I, Zombie
Reviewed by Oct 14th, 2009

As a horror fan, i’ve watched my my share of bad movies. in fact, i’ve probably seen more than my share. i, zombie has recently made my “bad” bad movies list (not to be confused with my “good” bad movies list). thankfully, i only paid $2 for it on ebay.

I’ll admit that it’s an interesting concept: a dude gets attacked by a zombie, and slowly becomes a zombie himself, even though he doesn’t want to kill people. but oh, is this movie S L O W! the soundtrack sounds like something you’d hear on one of those bad dramas on “lifetime: television for women.” the directing, well I’ve seen worse but the lighting was awful. the outdoors scenes were too blueish or greenish, the indoors scenes were a garish yellow. the acting left a lot to be desired. but I’m beating around the bush.

At the beginning of the film you see a woman being interviewed about her missing boyfriend (the main character), and similar scenes are used throughout the movie. what i didn’t like about this was it was never explained. who was interviewing her, and why? and why were they interviewing her current boyfriend as well?

We then learn that the main character is going on a trip to do some research. he finds an abandoned house and looks around. a dead man is propped against a doorway. he soon finds a [seemingly] dead body, and tries to carry her out of the house to get help, she attacks him.

He gets a new apartment and begins to develop sores and have seizures. we learn that he routinely kills someone every few days or so to stop the fits and the pain. at this point we’re supposed to start feeling sorry for our hero here. well, the acting and the script just don’t allow for it. he begins to have hallucinations, many about his girlfriend. these scenes were done fairly well, and we do start to understand that he is losing his grip on reality. Meanwhile, he gets attacked in the woods by another zombie. I don’t understand why this was put in the movie. Maybe it was a hallucination.

Unfortunately, he still has his sex drive… now, it may just be me, but there is something that’s just *wrong* about undead masturbation. the first such scene was done tastefully and i forgave the movie for a while. the second scene is a bit more drawn out, you get bored watching and wait for something to happen. well, his member sorta falls off in his hand. well, i’m not saying anymore, scroll down the page. A picture is worth a thousand words, and all that crap.

Another thing that bothered me was how little of the victims he ate. He was on this huge guilt trip about killing people, he hated to do it, but he had to. That was pretty much the plot. But somehow, when he killed somebody, he took a few bites out of their face or chest and disposed of the bodies. I mean, if he was so agianst killing, why didn’t he preserve the victims? Put them in the fridge or something. This dude could have learned a thing or two from Jeffrey Dahmer. The sheets of plastic under the bodies were a nice touch though, most zombies aren’t so concerned with cleanliness.

After that he starts rotting away more and more. he keeps himself together by screwing pieces of metal into his bones. he starts hallucinating all the time, and eventually kills himself. his landlady [presumably] finds his body, puts it in a bag, and leaves it on the street. boo. what a waste of film.

What bothers me most about this film is it failed it purpose miserably. you don’t feel for the main character at all, he is completely unconvincing. add to that the fact that all the weird interviews are never explained, the bad lighting, and the unbearably slow pace and you’ve got a real stinker. don’t waste your time with this one.

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